Misadventures of the Batsquad
by Piotr's girl
Summary: General randomness. Batman decides that they should become evil, and... well... it's the batkids, so it's not going as planned. Throw in an evil Bat-cat and you have my random story. Please read and review! Thanks, guys. Chapter 2 up, by the way!
1. The Masterful Plan

**Down below stately Wayne Manor, in the dark abyss of the famed Batcave, stood our heroes.**  
  
Batgirl, Robin, and Nightwing were all crowded around the Batcomputer, loudly arguing.  
  
"What the- WHY AM I DATING MARY SUE?" yelled Nightwing. "I'm supposed to be, you know, bad."  
  
"Oh please!" said Batgirl. "It's bad enough that this one girl thinks I'm dating you."  
  
"Hey, atleast you get a date!" Tim sighed loudly. "I don't get a date. I get a Bat-dog."  
  
"Hey, back off! Bat-dogs are off the heazy fo sheezy-"  
  
"Here we go again", sighed Barbara.  
  
Nightwing, a.k.a. Dick, continued: "They're off the shizzle my-"  
  
"Shut-up, you retard!" yelled Barbara. "I swear you are so gay!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
Robin, a.k.a. Tim, shook his head in disbelief. Ah, the stories people wrote about the batsquad. People absolutely had nothing better to do, did they? Well duh. Of course not.  
  
Robin looked at the screen. "Oh my gawd, I have a date!"  
  
Nightwing and Batgirl whirled around real quick-like, half stumbling over each other, almost resulting in a shoving match. "Who is it?"  
  
Robin looked closer. "Nightwing?"  
  
"What?" said Nightwing.  
  
"No, Nightwing is my date."  
  
Silence fell upon them. "That's, uh, a little strange." Said Barbara.  
  
"Yeah, no dip", said Robin.  
  
"Let me look", said Barbara.  
  
"Hey look at this", said Barbara. "This writer makes us turn into villains. We kidnap small children, then perform weird experiments on them."  
  
Robin studied it. "Nightwing a rapist?"  
  
Nightwing's eyes filled with tears. "That's not funny, guys!"  
  
"Yeah it is", said Tim. He began to laugh really hard, so that he was doubled over. Nightwing reared back and kicked Tim in the butt, sending him rolling over a few times.  
  
Robin jumped up and tackled Nightwing. They began to roll around on the cold floor, wrestling and trying to grab at each other's throats. Barbara sighed. Why had she suggested they read online stories? "Damn you fanfiction.net!"  
  
"Meow!"  
  
"What is it, Bat-Cat?" Barbara kneeled down to pet the cat, only to get scratched on the face.  
  
"You stupid faggot-cat!"  
  
Barbara kicked the little beast, but the cat hung on to her foot. She began to shake her foot furiously, but that darn cat wouldn't let go.  
  
Finally, Batgirl, kicked her foot out, sending the cat flying across the cave. No one is really sure, exactly where it landed. Nor does anyone care. Well, maybe except for Batman.  
  
"Attention!" The three kids, stood upright and saluted Batman, all slapping themselves in the forehead during the process.  
  
"Alright, kiddies!" The Batman started. He stared at them all. "While I have spent many hours in my corner, formulating a plan to rid Gotham City of all crime, I realized that it will never happen. We're never given any benefits on the show, because the producers hate us!"  
  
"Ah yes", said Nightwing, "But our fans love us. Besides, we're the sexiest team on the show!"  
  
"True, very true, but that's not the point!"  
  
"Hey wait a sec", said Barbara, "Aren't we the only team on the show?" The others turned to stare at her, then turned back around.  
  
"So anyhow", said Batman, "I say that we get some of our old friends from Arkham, and they'll teach you kids how to be eee-vil. Mwahahahaha!" He put emphasis on the evil part.  
  
The kids stared at him. "Why can't you teach us?" asked Robin. "I've got better things to do, little bird, like find us a new team-mate."  
  
"But", began Robin, "What about Bat-Cat?" Bruce just stared at him. "I prefer one that won't claw you're eyes out while you're asleep. Where is that gay cat anyway?"  
  
The others lowered their heads, but Batman didn't seem to notice. "Ah well", said Batman. "I'll find someone. Let me look at you all."  
  
Batman inwardly groaned at them all.  
  
Nightwing was trying to keep from crying, Batgirl was chewing gum with her mouth open, twirling her hair, and staring up at the ceiling, and Tim was humming show tunes. For Pete's sake, what had happened to them all? Oh right, they lived with him. That explained a lot.  
  
"So what are we gonna do, Brucey?" asked Barbara. "Ifwe don't have a major fight at the end like the author wants us to, this story will have no purpose."  
  
"First of all, red-head", said Batman, "DO NOT CALL ME BRUCEY!" Barbara yelped and jumped into Nightwing's arms. Nightwing looked startled for a moment, then began to smile really big. Barbara looked at him, then jumped back down.  
  
"Like, Oh my gosh", said Barbara, "I can't believe I just did that!" She smiled sheepishly, then took her place beside Robin.  
  
"You three will formulate a plan, to attract a few other heroes to join our side."  
  
"But who?" said Nightwing.  
  
"Superman and Supergirl." Said Batman.  
  
"What?" said the three in unison. "But how?"  
  
Nightwing stepped forward, poking Batman in the chest. "How do you expect us to do that, Batsy? Superman ain't nothing but a boy scout, and his cousin's just like him."  
  
"That's where you three come in! Ciao!"  
  
Batman walked away. He turned around after a few steps and added, "Oh, and Batgirl, it you killed Bat-Cat, your ass is mine." Barbara pouted as he walked away.  
  
"So how are we gonna solve this one?" asked Tim.  
  
The others shook their heads.  
  
"Wait, I got it!" said Dick.  
  
The others turned around. "What's the plan?"  
  
Dick smiled. "I don't have plan, guys."  
  
"Then why the hell did you say that?" asked Barbara.  
  
"Because I hadn't said anything for a while."  
  
"Damnit Dick!"  
  
"Sorry!" said Dick. He thought for a moment. "Well, let's see, that wouldn't work. We'd need 30 crates of Canadian bacon- wait I know! Come closer, you two, I think I might have something after all."  
  
Barbara just stared at him. "I think I'm fine where I'm at."  
  
"What, you don't trust me now, Bat-whore?"  
  
"Ding, ding, ding, and we have a winner!" said Barbara singing, and shifting weights from heel to toe. She stopped suddenly. "Hey wait a second, I'm not a whore!"  
  
Dick just rolled his eyes at her. "Anyhoo, this is my awesome plan, so listen up!"  
  
"What is it?" asked Robin.  
  
"Genius!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"It's brilliant!"  
  
"Tell us!"  
  
"I can't believe I thought of this!"  
  
"Damnit Dick!"  
  
He laughed. "Okay guys, here's the deal. Let's all learn to cast spells on people. We can cast a spell on Superman and Supergirl, and whoever else we decide to bring into this. Then, poof! One fine day the spell is broken! Superman and Supergirl hand our asses to us in the big fight scene at the end, and then everyone is happy! The Bat team is defeated, and the Super team learns the importance of family relations!"  
  
Barbara and Tim just stared at him, and Tim's mouth was hanging open. Barbara's bubblicious lay on the floor.  
  
"What the hell kind of a plan is that?" yelled Tim.  
  
"Yeah, that's what I wanna know!" said Barbara, adding on.  
  
"Okay, okay, fine!" said Dick. "Let's just go to Metropolis and recruit the Super-dweebs. We can go and befriend them and tell them to follow the evil in their hearts."  
  
Barbara just looked at him. "Ya know Dick, that might actually work."  
  
"Yeah, I know", said Dick. "I'm good."  
  
"Now I'm not going that far", said Barbara.  
  
"You biotch!"  
  
"You hold your tongue before I cut it off, and get rid of your reason for wearing tights."  
  
Dick glared at her. Tim rolled his eyes. Barbara just smiled at Dick.  
  
"Oh yeah, Dick. There's something on the front of your spandex. It looks like someone had an accident."  
  
Dick looked down, then looked up at her. "Oh my god, I was hoping you wouldn't notice that! Shit! Oh my god there's shit everywhere! Ahhhhh!"  
  
He started to run away. He reached the stairs, then turned around, and looked at her. "And it's not spandex! It's a polyester mix, get it straight!"  
  
Dick ran away. Barbara began to laugh. Really laugh. She laughed so hard that tears came out her eyes. She looked over at Tim. He was laughing too, and had his hands on his knees for support.  
  
"Hey Tim, ya wanna know something?"  
  
_hehe_ "What?"  
  
_hehe_ "I never saw anything on his pants."  
  
Tim looked up at her. "Well am I blind then?"  
  
"No, retard, he really did shit himself."  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
"Well besides him going into that chaotic fit-"  
  
"I thought maybe he was joking, Babs."  
  
_heehee_ "Tim I could smell it! The disgusting pig!"  
  
Tim started to laugh even harder than before. "Oh thank god!" he said loudly. "I thought that was me."  
  
"What?" said Barbara.  
  
Tim looked at her. "Did I just say that out loud?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You didn't hear anything."  
  
"Yeah I did."  
  
"You can't make me confess! I did put on deodorant! I seriously did!"  
  
"I never said you didn't."  
  
"Ah, yes, but you were thinking it! I hate you, you're ruining my life!"  
  
Tim ran away. He stopped and looked back at her. "Oh yeah, Bat-whore, and in the words of Stewey, heehee I am going to kill you!" Tim ran out.  
  
Barbara just shook her head in disbelief. Then she jerked her head upright. "For the love of cheese, I AM NOT A WHORE!!!"  
  
She sat down in the chair next to the computer. She put her head in her hands. "Bastard." 


	2. Hicksville goes Haywire

**When we last saw our heroes, they were. . . aw, screw it. You already read the first chapter.**  
  
"So, Dick, tell me again how this is going to work?"  
  
_Barbara, Tim, and Dick stood on the sidewalk in front of Smallville High, dressed in. . . do you wanna know? Sure ya do. Dick was in seventies get-up (think John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever), Barbara was wearing a short plaid skirt and pigtails, and Tim was. . . wearing a toga? **Oh, gawd, no!!!**  
  
**Haha, got ya!** They were dressed normal. . . for 'hillbillies'. Of course that would be exaggerated. Everyone thinks that Smallville's filled just a bunch of hicks. . . but they dress just like everyone else. Unfortunately no one mentioned this to the Batsquad. And there they stood at the door._  
  
"Well Babs, we just act. . . normal. You talk to Supergirl. . . er. . . Kara! Or is it Tara? Maybe Sara. . . just ask who Supergirl is."  
  
"Dick, you idiot! I don't think anyone would know."  
  
"Oh really?" Dick sneered. "Okay then. Hey YOU!" Dick pointed at some buck- toothed kid passing by. "Who is Supergirl?"  
  
"Kara Kent." The kid answered.  
  
"Aha! I knew it was Kara!"  
  
"Yo, dude, I was just kidding. I seriously don't know."  
  
"You were lying?!" screamed Tim. "In the words of Stewey, hee-hee-hee I am going to KILL YOU!!" And Tim lunged at the kid.  
  
"Eegads! My leg! Lay off, you fag!" Bucktooth kicked Tim in the face as Barbara and Dick looked on. Tim began to cry.  
  
"I'm not a fag! I hate you, man! I swear, I can't go anywhere without being reminded of past mistakes! You people just don't forget anything! I'm going to kill myself!" Tim ran away. Barbara and Dick exchanged looks.  
  
"Okay, item one." Said Barbara. "Tomorrow Tim starts psychotherapy. Item two. . . we meet this. . . Kara."  
  
"I'll charm the pants right off of her", said Dick cheerfully.  
  
"Yeah, and die trying. How about just being nice and not act like yourself?"  
  
"What's wrong with me?"  
  
"You're retarded, Dick. I'm almost surprised you haven't figured that out by now."  
  
"I know you are, but what am I?!" Dick chanted.  
  
Barbara just stared at him, and sighed.  
  
"No seriously, what am I? I need to know!" Dick pleaded, grinning.  
  
"Dick?"  
  
"Yes, dahling?"  
  
"Shut the hell up."  
  
Dick hung his head. "Yes ma'am."  
  
They walked inside, and found trail of blood down the hallway.  
  
"Wow." Said Barbara. "Tim wasn't joking this time. Oh well."  
  
As they walked toward the office, a pretty blonde raced toward them, carrying Tim.

"Hey, you two, stop!"  
  
Dick and Barbara turned around to face her. Tim's face was covered with blood.  
  
"What did you do to him?" Dick screamed. "Oh god, Tim!"  
  
Dick raced to the girl, and took Tim in his arms, hugging the boy. "Oh, Timmy! I never got to confess my undying love for you! Dear god, not even death can tear us apart! I will love you for all time, dear sweet Timothy!"  
  
With that, Dick kissed Tim.  
  
Tim jerked up suddenly. "Damnit Dick! Now people are really gonna think I'm a fag!"  
  
Barbara laughed. "They already do."  
  
"Tim, oh god! You're alive!" Dick stopped.  
  
"You ruined my life! You know my secret! I'm going to kill you!"  
  
Dick dropped to the floor, unconscious. Barbara smiled. "What is this, play dead day?"  
  
The pretty blonde just looked at them like they were crazy.  
  
Tim smiled, then kicked Dick in the face. Dick groaned and got up.  
  
"Hey dipstick, only I can get away with playing dead."  
  
Dick sat up, still in the floor. "You're suicidal, man!"  
  
"No I'm not! I was playing!"  
  
"Do me a favor guys, and both of you die!" Barbara sneered.  
  
Tim rolled his eyes at her. "Guys. . ." said the blonde.  
  
**"WHAT?!"** yelled Barbara and Tim.  
  
The girl laughed. "Tim didn't try to kill himself. He got hungry and was caught eating ketchup."  
  
"Really?" said Barbara.  
  
"Nope just kidding." The girl smiled. "Jack van Miller and his gang tried to make him this years' scarecrow. The kid put up a fight and managed to get away, with just a painted face. I found him in the bushes."  
  
"Thanks. . . er. . . what's your name?" said Barbara.  
  
"Kara Kent."  
  
"Hey, like Supergirl!" Barbara squealed.  
  
"Hey like yeah!" Kara squealed back.  
  
"So like wanna ditch school and go shopping?"  
  
"Like HELL YEAH!!"  
  
"But wait a second", said Barbara. "I have to talk to Supergirl, and tell her to follow the evil in her heart and join the new and improved, 'Eeeeeeee-vil' Batsquad."  
  
She put extra stress on the Ee-vil part.  
  
"Oh yeah, that's right", said Kara. "But wait, I'm Supergirl."  
  
"Nah, Supergirl's taller."  
  
"And kinky", said Dick.  
  
"Who asked you?" said Barbara.  
  
"Who cares?" said Dick.  
  
Barbara rolled her eyes. "So like Kara, have you seen my car?"  
  
"Dude, where is your car?"  
  
"Dude. Where's my car?"  
  
"Dude, where's your car?"  
  
"Dude, where's my car?"  
  
"Dude, where's your car?"  
  
"Dude where's my car?"  
  
**"SHUT THE HELL UP, BAT-WHORE!!!"** screamed Dick. **"YOU DON'T HAVE A DAMNED CAR, OKAY!"  
**  
Barbara stared at him with a blank expression. "Oh yeah. Heehee I am Batgirl, aren't I?"  
  
Dick shook his head. Tim was trying to break the glass cabinet because. . . well, who knows.  
  
"No, way! You're Batgirl?" said Kara.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Sweet!"  
  
"Dude!"  
  
"Sweet!"  
  
"Dude!"  
  
"Sweet!" "No, Dude, seriously, I just thought of something."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I like cheese."  
  
"Cool me too!"  
  
"Hey wait a second", said Barbara. "I'm not a whore!"  
  
Dick sighed, then grinned. "I was wondering if you'd catch that one."  
  
Suddenly, Kara and Barbara took clubs that appeared magically behind their backs and hit the boys over the heads with them. Dick and Tim fell to the ground, unconscious.  
  
"Cool! Now let's go shopping!"  
  
"Okay, Kara! Wait, I think I'm forgetting something."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like a mission."  
  
"Like what kind of mission?"  
  
"I'm not sure."  
  
"Was it important?"  
  
"Yeah, real important."  
  
"Really important?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Really really important?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Really, really, really important?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So do we have to do it now?"  
  
"Well, we can't if I don't know what it is."  
  
"Oh yeah." The girls thought for a moment. Or at least, they tried to.  
  
"Let's make up a new one!" squealed Kara.  
  
"Okay, what will we do?" squealed Barbara.  
  
"Let's go toilet paper the Daily Planet, then go shopping!"  
  
"Cool!" said Barbara. "You really are just like Supergirl!"  
  
"I know!"  
  
"So what do we do with the boys?"  
  
Barbara grinned. "I have an excellent idea. Mwahahahaha. Mwahahahaha. . . **cough cough** Oh that's hard to do with a chest cold!"

The two cheerful superteens skipped away merrily and singing the Snow White theme song as they dragged the unconscious boys behind them. **Oh, the agony.**  
  
**Heehee what's up ppl?**  
  
**Batthing**—as always, love hearing from you! Anyhow if this didn't turn out. . . screw it. Lol It seemed funnier in my head.  
  
**I hate Winn-Dixie!! And oh, the carnage there could be in this little story of mine. lifts pinky to mouth, like Dr. Evil Mwahahahaha. . .**


End file.
